2+1= a heart that’s done

Dear Merri & Kadee,

-Merri

It’s officially been one year. One year that I’ve been emotionally numb to that fac that I don’t see your beautiful face laying next to me on a weekly basis. That beautiful face doesn’t see me obtain my chips at Celebrate Recovery anymore not that it matters, but you were my Celebrate Recovery buddy and now I have no one. Merri I’m sorry I’ve neglected missing you, the grieving has been weird this last year. I definitely feel like a terrible friend. And continuing into to a letter to Kay probably doesn’t help. But you were an amazing friend who knows how much you meant to me. So I know you understand that grieving isn’t linear. Merri I hope you’re up there, my bow lady. Coffee explosion woman. I stinking miss you.

Our very first photo together. 😢 🧡 🎀

-Kadee

Kadee the last two years have been the craziest cycle of emotions I have ever dealt with. I don’t understand. You never knew how much people loved you. I still to this day and probably will for the rest of my life remember the drive to the grave site after your funeral crying and thinking ‘look at all these people, she was so loved and she never believed it’ as I was hysterically beating my steering wheel. You were love. Dang it. I know you’re looking down now and believing it, but I wish you knew while you were here. Kadee’s Angels something your mommy created, I have a mirror angel in my truck and I know you talk to me. Whenever it glistens in the sun I know you’re talking to me. Thank you. Thank you for the signs. I wish I could hug you one more time. Please don’t ever forget me.

Yes I actually got her on a Farr wheel. 🤪 *gasp*

Dear Merri and Kadee, 2+1= a heart that’s done. I know you two would take back everything you could to me back here. And so would I. I’d remove every photo memory I have to have you ladies back. But it’s not real and I’m going to continue to grieve.

I believe that one day far in the future I’ll see you two again.

I love you Kadee 🧡 🦋

I love you Merri 🧡 🎀

Love with all of my heart,

Kelly

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Let’s chat. Depression.?

Let’s talk depression.

de·pres·sion
/dəˈpreSH(ə)n/
noun
  1. feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
  2. “self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”

  1. a long and severe recession in an economy or market.
  2. “the depression in the housing market

I wanna be open about my struggles, and because of a friend I am feeling that nudge to. Thanks L.

No I’m not relapsing, no I’m not the stereotypical dress in black and cry all day [sorry to those who love dressing in black – that was me in early high school.!] Lets be real here, depression can lie. You can get up; go to your 9-5 yet come home and curl up in bed and be miserable. Or it can be obvious. Lonely, isolating, lack of interest.

Hi I’m Kelly; ’tis me. For months now I had done pretty much NOTHING. I sit around my apartment, call my mommy and talk to her annoying her, lay in bed thinking about life and the mortality of my existence. Well you get it. If you knew me intimately in real life you’d know I was the definition of depression.

I’m being open about this because I want people to know that recovery and such is all about perfection and it isn’t linear. It’s messy. As my friend put it, ‘you hide it well on social media’. And you know what I do. And I try really hard to. You know why.? Because for years and year and years of being sick I fear that if even the slightest thing that goes ”’wrong”’ with me that – that’s it. It’s over, recovery done. Tap out, towel in. These are my raw feels. And I’m sharing these thoughts and feelings because I know there are people out there that feel the same way.

I’m in therapy, I’m trying my hardest to do opposite action and get my butt up to do things I don’t want to do. Trauma crap hurts. It’s been the trigger for this I believe for a long time and I’m really trying to work on it. But I’m not perfect. All I can do is ‘try’ my hardest even on the worst days.

I hope in talking just a little about this it opened up some people to know that you are not alone. Your struggle is valid. You are loved. You can overcome this. And please reach out if you need to.

Kelly 🧡

🧘🏼‍♀️off to do some yoga🧘🏼‍♀️

K-M

July 7, 2018

M-K

A bow tied tight

Tight around my heart

Holding my emotions in

Every month is so hard

A butterfly passes and my eyes well up

I remember you two

It seems like I just saw the glints in your eyes

The smiles on your faces

The love that radiated from your beautiful spirit

This number

This date

This day

It’s such a hard day for so many

I see a butterfly pass

I wear a bow

I think of elephants

If all the memories we had

And I want you both to know that I’m fighting

It’s a daily battle

But I’m fighting

And I’ll be damned if I lose

I will succeed

Because you two gave me the strength to move forward

You are my angels

Forever watching over me

Know that one day we will meet again

And when that miraculous day come in the kingdom

I will cry and shout with joy

Kelly Carragher

Dear Merri & Kadee… April 7, 2018

Kadee & Merri,

Two months ago I lost you Merri. 14 months ago I lost you Kadee. It brakes my heart, no it shatters it to tiny bits to know that it’ll be forever until we are reunited. As I’ve always told Kadee, Merri you now hold a piece of my heart too. You must hold onto it tight and squeeze it often. And ever time I feel that warmth in my chest I’ll know that you sending me love. I miss you two so much. I don’t have words to express it. I don’t even know what to write to be honest. I wanted to write to you two last month but I was so broken and in such a bad place that I just couldn’t. I hope you understand. I wanna celebrate your lives. I wanna live for you AND me. And I am. I’m doing so much better guys. I’m 6 month purge free and doing so much better with my anorexia as well. Things are looking up. I changed my major in college, I’m a social work major now. Who would’ve thought I’d EVER change from criminal justice.? Crazy. Ever since starting yoga, oh by the way I started yoga. It’s helped me so much. I connect with my mind and body in ways I never felt possible. I love it. I’m finding peace with myself after 12 years of self-hate and self-depreciation. I’m slowly learning to love and enjoy the body I walk in, the evergreen of a strong, fierce, warrior of a bodily woman I am. Yoga has given me something I’ve never had and never felt. It’s crazy. I’m living guys. I’m finally living. So social work. I wanna be an art and movement therapist and work with people with Eating Disorders mainly and show them that it’s possible to learn to accept their bodies as is, one day at a time, one moment at a time. One day they can too. Yoga has inspired me immensely if you can’t tell. Lol. 😂 I’m finally giving ED up. Not that I didn’t before, but I’m done bullshitting now. I’m on day 18 of “new real recovery”. Even though I’m purge free I’ve had some slips with restriction and over exercising. So my real recovery started 18 days ago. I’m counting up and counting down. One day I’m going to share my testimony and it’s going to inspire so many. I truly believe it. Kay Merri I miss you so much. But look at all I’m accomplishing for us. Not only for me ya know.?! Yes I’m doing this for me, but I’m also doing this for the life you two couldn’t live. You two continue to live through me as you rightfully should. I give you that 110% fully. I love you two to the moon and back and back again. 🌙 💫 🧡💜

Friendship is eternal. Just because you’re body left this earth doesn’t mean our friendship is over. It just means that we can’t see each other for a while. We can still talk like this. And I intend to. Although I have no poem to write this month, I have my life to tell you two. I hope it’s enough. Much love from the deepest part of my soul.

🧡 Kelly 🧡

Surrender…

April 2, 2018

Surrender

Surrender

A word so powerful

So mighty and strong

Willfully giving up all

All you have

But to what

To who

Why

Why

Why

What am I going to do

How am I going to survive

Survive

Survive

Surrender

Nine letters

Nine too long

Something I’m struggling to do

But it must happen if I want change

Think of this change as the seasons

We’re in a new season

From winter to spring

Yesterday I saw the first dandelion of the season

I felt the warmth of the sun on my face and arm the other day

Today I felt the cold

The rain hitting my face

I’m embracing recovery as the seasons changing

The very beginning of the seasons changing

Winter to spring

It’s very sporadic

Back and forth

Cold to warm

Wet to dry

In a way just like recovery

Hard times to easier times

Surrender

Surrender

Surrender to the bad

Surrender to the good

Surrender to the easy

Surrender to the hard

When I feel like giving up

I imagine why I’ve held on this long

There’s a reason

I don’t know that reason

But there is a reason

There’s hope in recovery

There’s peace in freedom from this hell

There’s comfort in knowing that one day I’ll be free from the voices in my head

There’s self-love ahead

I foresee it

I believe it

I know it

Surrender…

Kelly Carragher

The Evergreen.

The Evergreen

March 6, 2018

The body

The temple

It’s not a temple at all

A forest

A forest grows

Like an evergreen

It flourishes

Grows

Grows

Grows

Grows happy

Happy

Not concerned with its size

But happy it’s alive

Happily dancing in the wind

Wind

Wind

Wind as it blows

It’s alive

It’s not withering away

It’s growing day by day

Day

Everyday

It learns more

It’s deep rooted

It plants its roots deeper into the ground

Sturdy

Study

Sturdy

Sturdier it becomes

Slowly it is as strong as the rest of the evergreens that are high

Mighty

Mighty

Wise

All around it

It learns from the best

But it also takes on its own characteristics

It’s fierce because it knew the fire that it endured

It’s strong because it knew the storm that came through everyday

It’s bark is as thick yet gentle as a feather because it knows the love that it witnessed when two lovers etched their name into its bark

It knows more than the rest of the evergreens because of what it went through

And yes the by-passers will stop and stare

Think good and bad

But this evergreen knows what’s on the inside that counts

The good it’s done

How humble it is for what it’s been through

This evergreen is still maturing

But in all honesty what evergreen ever wants to be fully mature.?

The evergreen that is fully mature is at the end of it’s life

And this evergreen has a long and happy life ahead

Kelly Carragher

Learning to forgive yourself

Forgiveness, such a trivial term, such an easy word to say; yet to many people a hard thing to do to themselves. Even the simplest things. Whoops I dropped a glass – it shattered. “I’m the worst person ever.! I’m so horrible.!” No dear, you made a mistake, it slipped and fell. Forgive yourself. Some things are larger than others, yes. For me, my next thing I WANT to work on is forgiveness from, well myself overall. I’ve made many mistakes over the years – as many others have as well. I’ve lost years and years to my Eating Disorder. My entire tween and teenage years and early twenties. I tore myself down, I verbally abused myself. It wasn’t Kelly doing that, it was my Eating Disorder and my emotionally drained self. There are years that I’ll never get back. I can’t change that. Am I angry.? Yes.! But why pity myself for more than a few minutes.? I can’t change the past. But I can create the future with self-forgiveness. Why am I still hating myself for this.? It’s causing nothing but negativity in my life and turmoil. So why.? Because I still haven’t learned how to forgive myself for the years that, “I’ve wasted”. I didn’t necessarily waste them. They served a purpose. If I didn’t do what I did when I did it, I might not be here today. It served a purpose in that time. But that time has come to an end, because now it’s harming me. I’m not typing this to be like go forgive yourself now. I’m saying IT’S OKAY TO BE HUMAN.! So that’s why it’s okay to forgive yourself. I guess that’s where I’m going to start with my own self-forgiveness. Being human. I’m allowed to mess up and stumble and fall and trip and cry, but I HAVE to get back up. Even when the going gets tough. The most important thing is that I start. Because I won’t get anywhere if I don’t start somewhere. So here I am, sitting here typing this thinking to myself that forgiveness is possible. Where before today I never would’ve thought that. Who would’ve thought that someone could’ve impacted me so much and changed my mind with a story. Share your stories. They can change the world. Don’t be embarrassed of them. They’re part of who you are. Your past is you and you’re your future.

Kelly Carragher

“Love never fails. Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

-1 Corinthians 13: 8, 13